I promise I have more stories coming soon.

If you read this for some reason, life got in the way for a bit, but i’m gonna get back into the swing of things and promise weekly articles starting sometime this week. In the meantime here is a pic of me looking creepy as fuck. enjoy! Image

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Comic Book Character IPods: Batman

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I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m a comic book nerd. I’m fascinated by how someone overcomes tragedy to become something more, a symbol, someone for others to aspire to. What drives a person to become a hero? Is it an event? Does this person have hero written in their DNA? Do they possess ability and natural talent with a dash of cunning and intelligence? Or is a humongous bankroll so they can buy cool gadgets to mess up bad guys? More than likely all of these apply to the Batman, and I often wonder what songs he’d listen to on a regular basis based on his personality. Here are the results based on the character.

HE’S A DETECTIVE (DIRE STRAITS-PRIVATE INVESTIGATIONS)

The man is known as the world’s greatest detective for good reason; his deductive reasoning is on par with Sherlock Holmes. It would only seem fitting that he would start his night with a song about a detective with a bit too much on his plate. I feel it would give him a cautionary tale to never give up & fix whatever crisis Gotham is facing at that moment. If this song doesn’t do it for him then he’s got another one to fall back on.

HONARABLE MENTION: I’LL BE WATCHING YOU BY THE POLICE

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HE BEATS THE HELL OUT OF CRIMINALS (NINE INCH NAILS-MARCH OF THE PIGS)

I doubt it would take much to get Batman into a crime fighting mood, but I think he’d need some real angry ass music to set him into the zone, and this song by Trent Reznor would certainly do it. Hell, I’m listening to it I’m starting to get pumped up. It’s loud, it’s angry, it borders on psychotic, all the things you need to kick out the Riddler’s bicuspids. It that gentle push you need to go that extra mile.

 Batman-crying

BATMAN SUFFERED A TRAMATIC EVENT IN HIS CHILDHOOD  (THURSDAY- CROSS OU THE EYES)

As a boy he watched his parent’s murder at the hands of Joe Chill, a petty thief who wanted to rob them. What he did was light the fuse on a powder keg of bad ass vengeance. This is the sort of thing you might want to reflect on when you question why you’re wearing tights and hanging people out of windows for information. Listening to this song about personal loss, and trying to move on would keep him on point in his lowest of times.

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HE BELIEVES IN JUSTICE & FIXING BAD SITUATIONS (MARVIN GAYE-INNER CITY BLUES)

We’re talking about a guy who is trying to rid the streets of Gotham of some of the worst scumbags the city has ever seen. We’re not just talking about the major players like the Joker or Penguin; he also tries to get your run of the mill drug dealers, pimps, kid touchers, wife beaters, and anyone else who makes the city a real crap hole. This song talks about people who are fed up with the way their situation is, and desperately wants to do something about it. It’s an inspiring song from a truly landmark album that deals with social injustices of the time “What’s going on”, which would suit someone who strives to make this world a better place for everyone, well except for the scumbags.

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HE’S A FREAKING BILLIONAIRE (WU-TANG CLAN- C.R.E.A.M)

Let’s face it, Bruce Wayne is loaded, we’re talkin’ Monopoly man level riches. He doesn’t have to nothing but party and collect the checks on some random hottie. This would be great if he constantly didn’t have to upgrade his armor, but a new Batmobile every six months, and keep up with ever changing technology. Batman has to make every penny count or he’s gonna be fighting crime in an efficiency apartment. What better way to remind him of his finances than with this classic rap jam by the Wu-Tang Clan? It seems like a logical choice for a secret identity who runs a multi-billion dollar multi-national conglomerate.

 

There you have it, Batman reduced down to a few songs on his IPod. I know there are several other jams that Bats listens to in the Batcave, and I would love to hear your thoughts on these below.  I’ve got a few more ideas for this series, so I hope you keep reading, because it’s only going to get better. Till next time.

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Some of the Best Cover Songs of All Time

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They say you should never mess with perfection, but some people can’t take the hit. Be it that old woman who ruined the picture of Jesus,old-spainish-woman-ruin-jesus-painting

George Lucas fiddling with Star Wars, Changing the formula to Coca-Cola (a travesty in my opinion), there are some things you shouldn’t mess with. This also extends to music, and of course I’m talking about the cover song. By and large, these attempt at “flattery” fall short…hell let’s just call it what it is, god dammed horrible, there are some examples that are truly amazing…hell possibly even better than the original. For your perusal I present a sample of what I consider some of the best examples of what a good cover song should be.

FOO FIGHTERS: BAND ON THE RUN

ORIGINAL: WINGS

Sir Paul created a modern classic with this one. It has many different styles packed into one song that tells an actual story along the way. Not many people would even dare try to do such a song justice, but Dave Ghrol and company do it better than anyone else could. You listen to this cover and feel Dave put a ton of thought in what an updated version should sound like, with a nod to the original. While I love the original, I find myself listening to the cover a bit more these days, not just because I’m a Foo Fighters fan, but because it’s that damn good.

FRENTE!- BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE

ORIGINAL: NEW ORDER

Perhaps that it’s a product of the synth-pop songs of the 80’s, or maybe it’s that the original, while good, was missing something. Enter Aussie band Frente! who put their own spin on this song. To me the song just has the intimate feeling that the original feeling was lacking. You actually feel Angie Heart pain even though she’s trying to put on a brave face. I think it helps that they completely stripped the song down to the bare minimum, which gives it a richer feel. I dunno, I guess I’m a sucker for female singer.

WITCHITA LINEMAN- GLENN CAMPBELL

ORIGINAL: JIMMY WEBB

I always thought that Glenn Campbell was the first to do this song, but with many things, I was dead wrong. Campbell’s version is the polar opposite of Webb’s. Webb’s version is minimal, and somehow hollow, where as Campbell’s arrangement of this song is full bodied, and warm. You feel as if you are there away from the one you love, but not having enough time to spend with them. This cover is strangely beautiful, and surpasses the original by leaps and bounds.

UB40- RED RED WINE

ORIGINAL: NEIL DIAMOND

This is another song that will have you scratching your head. Neil Diamond? Seriously?  Hoo boy, I flat out hate his version, then again I’m sick of the remake now, but it blows Diamond’s version away without question.

JOHN COLTRANE- MY FAVORITE THINGS

ORIGINAL: Mary Martin & Patricia Neway

This was written by Oscar Hammerstein for the musical and later movie “The Sound of Music”. In this case the original is a happy song harking to a time of fond memories of things you truly love. John Coletrane’s version is one of someone who desperately wants things they’ve seen but never had. You feel his pain in every note he plays in all thirteen plus minutes of this song, but it’s a good kind of pain. It’s just haunting, and after owning Coltrane’s version for almost 24 years, it just keeps getting better. The original, while good, doesn’t seem to hold up after repeated listens.

JIMI HENDRIX-ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER

ORIGINAL: BOB DYLAN

Everybody covers Dylan. The man has penned an amazing library of songs; he’s the voice of a generation and influenced a ton of people. Hendrix loved Dylan’s songs, probably this song more than any other. When Hendrix decided to record this song his passion for it just bleeds through the speakers and seeps into your ears in a way Dylan never could. It’s a sonic tapestry weaved with wild guitar chords, a driving bass line, and a thunderous drum beat. There’s something flat out amazing about this cover that has never been replicated since.

Well faithful reader that’s my list. While there are many other deserving contenders for this article, there are too many to place at this time. Feel free to add your favorite covers below and see what others think. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading and listening as much as I’ve had writing and researching it for you. Till next time.

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Movies That Should’ve Won Best Picture But Didn’t

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We’re almost to the end of award season, and that means one thing, Oscar time. Most of us root for a favorite movie, and more times than not, they win best picture. It’s that rare occasion that our movie doesn’t win that we get disappointed; scratch that we get pissed (usually watching the Oscars involve lots of drinking at my house.). It amazes me that so many amazing movies never receive the top honor their industry could provide. Without further ado, I present a slice of amazing movies that got the shaft, award-wise.

Stand By Me (1986)

This movie is great...sincerely!

This movie is great…sincerely!

This movie won a Golden Globe for best picture for best film, but no Oscar? Stupid Platoon won, and who the hell even watched that piece of crap? Oliver Stone is a puddle of diarrhea compared to Stephen King’s story. This movie is all about friendship, life, and going to see a dead body. Plus it’s got the best line in any movie ever:

Anyway, it may be one of my favorite movies of all time, and deserves about 100 Oscars.

Fight Club (1999)

The first rule of blog club...

The first rule of blog club…

How the hell did American Beauty win and not this one? It may very well be one of the most original movies in the last twenty years. If you told me you knew what was happening the first time you saw it, you were a liar. Visually inspiring, a great story, and an amazing cast, what’s not to love, or to be given the Oscar for Best Picture? Sometimes originality doesn’t translate to award wins.

Pulp Fiction (1994)

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Fucking Forrest Gump, Why did you have to have to be in an amazing year for movies? Between, Quiz Show, The Shawshank Redemption, and Pulp Fiction it was a stellar year for movies. I know people are gaga for Gump, but dammit, Pulp Fiction is far and away the better movie. How can you not be impressed by the dialogue, the pace, the unmitigated violence, and who could forget that iconic dance scene. Frankly it was an amazing story that is still used as a basis almost nineteen later. How could you not expect this movie to win best picture?  I guess it will have to settle for the Canne Film Festival’s highest honor, the Palme D’or.

E.T. (1982)

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How is it that one of the most beloved and commercially successful movies of all time lost out to a movie about some jerk in a diaper named Gandhi? I didn’t see Gandhi getting shit faced drunk on Coors and it affecting one of his friends at school so he could kiss some random girl. I’ll even bet that Gandhi didn’t even eat one Reece’s Pieces or make a bike fly while he was in a milk crate. I mean sure Gandhi was a leading force in change in India and inspired some of the greatest people in modern history, but dammit, he never healed someone’s finger by touching it with his weird glowing finger. It’s just sad that E.T. has to settle for massive box office records, a successful merchandising campaign, and a favorite movie for an entire generation of kids. It’s still bullshit it didn’t win best picture.

 

Apocalypse Now (1979)

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This movie overcame so much; screwed up sets, a million feet of footage shot, a total redo of the sound, changing leading men, leading man has a heart attack. This movie about Vietnam was a labor of love, that almost ruined Francis Ford Coppola, only to be robbed of it’s best picture Oscar by a movie about who gets the kid in a divorce. This movie kicked the collective asses of any other movies and shut up the critics who originally shunned it as an “awful war film”. Catch a case Rona Barrett.

 

North by Northwest (1959)

 NxNW

This movie didn’t even get nominated for the highest award, yet it is regarded as one of the greatest films of all times. Hitchcock crafted an amazing film, about a case of mistaken identity that takes a deadly turn. Carey Grant and Eva Marie Saint turn in a flawless performance that the Academy just crapped on. I mean it’s not like the movie makes countless top ten lists as one of the greatest movies of all time, no wait, it actually does. It has some of the most memorable scenes of all time, including one about a plane. All the while some dumb movie about chariot racing won. Like anyone has ever seen that piece of crap.

Well there you have it, some truly amazing movies that were looked over for the best picture Oscar. Sure, some of them have received other prestigious awards, but not as good as the Oscar. It’s like driving to Wally World, only to have the moose out front tell you it’s closed. While not every movie can win, I hope your favorite wins this year. Till next time.

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A Selection of Romantic Movies for your Valentines Day

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Let’s face it, it’s Valentine’s Day and you haven’t planned a damn thing for your significant other. Now comes the part where you start scrambling around, and now you’re left with some ratty flowers, a damaged box of flowers and a couple of Big Macs because you didn’t make reservations. Way to go jerk face, that special person in your life is going to make your life hell for months for this one, but because I care about my readers, I’m going to try to save this one for you by suggesting some great romantic movies for you to watch with that special someone. Not all of these will work for you, but I’m pretty sure at least one will.

  1. The Wedding Singer

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I know what you’re thinking “Adam Sandler?” Listen, if you’ve never watched this one, you’ve really missed out. Adam Sandler plays Robbie Hart a wedding singer from New Jersey who’s fiancée dumps him on his wedding day because she feels that he has no drive. During this time he meets Julia (Played by Drew Barrymore) who befriends him and asks him to plan her wedding. Somewhere along the way they have feelings for each other…and how does it end? WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE!!! Seriously, it’s set in the 80’s with a great soundtrack, and according to my friend Elizabeth, when this song plays it makes her cry every time.

  1. 2.    Say Anything

Say Anything

Of all the feel good movies of the 1980’s this one is iconic. Lloyd Dobler (played by John Cusack), is an average student and aspiring kickboxer, who attempts a relationship with Diane Court (played by Ione Skye) right after high school. Diane’s just won a major scholarship to study in England at the end of the Summer.  Lloyd is pretty awkward and asks for relationship advice from any female who’ll listen, at the same time Diane’s father tries to end their relationship by any means necessary. Personally I think the scene that does it for most people is when Lloyd is outside of her house holding his boom box up while playing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabirel. Sadly this song has been used in so many trailers for romantic movies it’s lost its magic on me, but none the less, used in a good movie.

  1. 3.    Annie Hall

aNNIE hALL

I know it’s in my film nerd nature to pick a Woody Allen movie, but it’s a damn fine movie. Some say it actually deals with Woody Allen’s real life romance with his costar Diane Keaton ( her real surname is Hall, and her nickname is Annie, he was a standup comedian), but who really knows? The movie is about standup comic Alvy Singer (Allen) wondering why his relationship with the title character (Keaton) went sour…or any of his relationships for that matter. Alvy not only finds sexual pleasure from Annie, but some sort of bond on an emotional, and intellectual level, which shows from the now famous “Lobster Scene”:

If this movie isn’t for you, then perhaps this parody of the movie is for you:

Anyway, at least give the movie a shot, I think you’ll like it.

  1. 4.    Marty

Marty

It’s been said there is someone for everyone, and this movie is proof of that statement. Ernest Borgnine   plays the title character Marty, a 34 year old unmarried butcher who lives with his mom. His family is worried that he’s going to die alone, but he’s resigned himself to be a confirmed bachelor. It doesn’t help that he feels that he’s fat and ugly, therefore unlovable. His mother pesters him to go to the Starlight Ballroom, and goes, there he meets a plain woman named Clara, whom he hits it off with. It seems like Marty may have found the one for him, but between his mother and his friends, he may just lose out on happiness.

This movie is so passionate it’s hard not to love. I know that there are some out there who refuse to watch black and white movies, but by all means, please give this one a shot. I’m certain that you’ll agree this is an amazing film.

  1. 5.    Casablanca

casablanca

I feel sorry for you if you’ve never watched this movie. It’s the perfect storm of drama, adventure, intrigue, and of course, love. Humphrey Bogart plays Rick, Owner of a Nightclub in Casablanca, Morocco, in 1941. His club is frequented by all kinds of people, French, Nazis, Italians, and people wishing to escape to America. It happens at this time that a petty crook comes into possession of some letters that would allow safe passage to then neutral Portugal. Soon after Rick gets a little pissed when his Ex Isla Lund (Played by Ingrid Bergman) walks into his gin joint looking for the letters so that she and her husband, a resistance leader can escape to America, with the Nazis hot on their trail.

I don’t wish to ruin the rest for you, but trust me…it’s great. The way love plays out in this movie is unlike any other you’re going to witness in modern cinema ever. It leaves you wondering what could’ve been while knowing what’s happening now. If you don’t watch this movie you’ll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Well that’s all the time I’ve got for you today. I hope this Valentine’s Day is a great one for you and yours, even if you did wait until the last minute and I had to bail you out. If you have some other movies you consider romantic classics, feel free to place them in the comments below. Happy Valentines day, and may you spend it with the one you love!

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Some of the Best Theme Songs Ever

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Is it me or can you experience something and it can take you back to a time and place when everything was just perfect? Be it a photograph, a toy you had as a child, or a song, that thing will take you back to a time where everything was less complicated. For me the best form of nostalgia is the television theme song. Now a dying art, people used to actually spend a crap ton of money on these songs. They were catchy and people who hear them can still remember where they were when they first heard them. Join me now as I usher you back to the age of television where special effects sucked, and theme songs were awesome.

  1. 1.    Barney Miller/ Night Court

 

I know it’s a bit odd to put two songs together like this, but it’s my article and I’ll do what I damn well please. I find these songs similar for a few reasons, they involve the law, they have an impressive cast of characters, but most of all the bass lines in these songs are amazing. With Barney Miller you know some cool ass thing is about to go down. You cannot nod your head to this prime-time-crime-time jam. It’s fucking amazing. With Night Court it’s a bit different. It a little more light hearted, which fit the theme of the show, but it was a little more than that, when you saw the characters as they appeared on the screen, they seemed to fit with the song. Like some sort of television puzzle coming together at the right time. These songs may not be for you, but to me they are pretty damn good.

 

  1. 2.    Magnum P.I.

Holy shit Tom Selleck was the fucking man back in the 80’s! If you didn’t like this show I imagine you weren’t that cool. I loved this theme song as a kid and listening to this, it still does. You know Magnum was about to right some wrongs all the while, staying one step ahead of Higgins and his angry ass dogs. Seriously, I hated those damn dogs. What bad ass guy in the 80’s didn’t have a crew? T.A. and Rick were there to lend a hand when things got rough, and share a few laughs. Man, this theme song makes me want to go get a Ferrari and grow a moustache.

 

  1. 3.    Sandford & Son

This song, written by Quincy Jones, brings a smile to my face as I think back to my childhood. This show was funny then, even if I didn’t get all the jokes, all I know is when Fred called LaMont a “Big Dummy” it cracked my ass up. As I got older I understood the jokes, but the laughter was still there. I hear this song at it takes me back to sitting on the floor in front of the television maybe all of 4 or 5 and just laughing, full on head back at Redd Foxx’s character. I like to think that when others hear it, I’m not alone in this feeling either.

  1. 4.    Rock Around the Clock (Happy Days)

Remember the 1950’s? I don’t but this theme song puts me in the frame of mind to experience that decade. This was only used in the first season, but it allowed the viewer to get into the mindset of what it would be like to a part of the Cunningham family and of course the Fonz. Who doesn’t think of starting jukeboxes with a bump, drive in’s, and of course family. It should also be noted that when this song was played live it caused kids to lose their shit and riot(That’s right kids, your Na-Na and Pop-Pop used to like to raise a little hell.).

 

  1. 5.    Star Trek

From the moment you hear “Space…the final frontier” something exciting is going to happen. Saturday Mornings after cartoons meant one thing, Star Trek. I couldn’t wait to find out what adventures Captain Kirk would get into. This song fills me with such nerd warmth that it puts a smile on my face. I hear this song and it makes me think of all the possibilities that lie out beyond our own universe. Other sci-fi shows theme songs, can’t even reach the level of Star Trek’s. It’s monumental, and one that most everyone hears, and immediately wants to show off….their…Captain…Kirk…impression.

 

There are several other great honorable mentions:

  • I Love Lucy
  • Good Times
  • The Flinstones
  • All in the Family
  • Silver Spoons
  • Seinfeld

I Wish I had the time to go into them all, but I do hope you go back and look at the shows of your childhood. You too will be transported to a happier time, even just for a few minutes.

 

 

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2012 Filmography.

A look back on the films of 2012.

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Comic Book Characters Ipods: The Joker

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I think that 99% of everyone has some sort of an mp3 player. In many ways they’ve become indispensable to us, and in many cases they give people an insight to our personalities that they may not know. I find it interesting to see someone who you’d never expect to like a type of music to have tons of that music. Having said that, I think it would be interesting to see what kind of music the Joker would listen to based on his personality traits.

  1. HE’S INSANE- BLACK SABBATH: PARANOID

I think the very first thing you have to realize about the Joke is that he’s bat shit crazy. Whether it was taking a header into a vat of chemicals or he was always this way, you have to admit that he’s a few grapes short of a fruit cocktail. He would most definitely identify with this song because it’s also a testament to mental illness, & everyone needs a good crazy song in their library.

joker6

  1. HE’S HOMICIDAL- THE MISFITS: SKULLS

There is no denying that he loves to kill and maim, hell he killed the second Robin for craps sake. It would be nothing for him to cut up a few people then go out for ice cream, then kick a puppy or two. I can imagine him listening to Glenn Danzig’s vocals and humming as he bashes someone’s head in. As they say, anything to make the work go by faster.

  1. HE’S CREATIVE- JOHN COLTRANE: MY FAVORITE THINGS

You don’t last long in the crime game without changing and improvising as needed. For times like these it would seem that Jazz would be a perfect match for his on the fly style of mayhem. I can see him running from crime to crime listening to this song humming along as he poisons Gotham’s drinking water, while thinking about what other dastardly crime he’s going to plan next.

cesar_romero_joker

  1. 4.    HE’S INTELLEGENT-  TCHAIKOVSKY: SWAN LAKE WALTZ

You don’t become the Batman’s arch enemy by being stupid. The Joker may appear childish or juvenile, but in reality, he’s a pretty smart cookie. From planning his outlandish crimes, to mixing chemicals, even his lame ass jokes are from someone who is gifted with some level of genius. I imagine that The Joker’s Ipod would be chock full of classical music, but without a doubt he would love Tchaikovsky simply for the way his life may have ended. Then again he may just think the music is pretty.

The_Joker_by_MDiPascale

  1. HE HAS A FLAIR FOR THE DRAMATIC- PRINCE: PARTYMAN

I think it goes without saying that the Joker has a penchant for the theatrical. He enjoys causing a bit of havoc mixed with some good old over-the-top crazy antics. While the theatrics may be secondary, it ensures you’ll never forget him. I think he’s have some Prince in his Ipod for two reasons, they both are very good at what they do with a little help of theatrics, and they both love purple.

There you have it, a brief look into the mind of the most insane person in the DC universe through music. I hope you enjoyed this piece as much as I did writing it. Until next time faithful readers.

 

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The Gifts Not To Give This Christmas

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This is that time of the year that we try to think about others, but more times than not, shit happens. We get caught up in all the various things than are entailed with trying to make the perfect Christmas for everyone that we inevitably forget about a person or two. This leads to a mad dash on Christmas Eve to the drug store or grocery store to get something to let that special someone we haven’t forgotten them, which is usually the crappiest thing anyone has ever seen. Without further ado, here are some real stinkers of a gift.

Personal Hygiene Products

Personal-Care-Main

Is there anything worse than opening a beautifully wrapped package to find it containing some shitty deodorant or mouth wash? Nothing says “You are a filthy trash person” than a box full of things to make you clean up nice. My paternal grandmother used to give me a box of shit that I thought smelled like 2 week old cat pee. While she may have had the best of intentions (not likely), it made me feel like I had some sort of weird body odor that I didn’t know about and I should do something about it. To this day I can’t stand the smell of Aqua Velva.

Underwear

 underware

This is a gift that nobody likes…ever. To me underwear should be something that you should buy for yourself. How in the fuck are you supposed to react to receiving this gift? “Oh thank you so much. Now I can protect my penis and/or vagina and butthole. I will think of you fondly when I wear them.” Try saying that to your mom without the use of alcohol. It’s just plain damn creepy for anyone to be giving this as a gift.

Broken Glass

Broken glass

You may be scratching your head at this one, but I know plenty of people who decide to fuck with their kids by wrapping broken glass up to “teach them a lesson”.  What is that lesson? Not to shake your presents or you’ll break them. You may call it great parenting, I call starting your kids on the road to therapy. Seriously, what kind of shitty parents think that putting dangerous sharp glass in a box and giving it to your kids is a great idea? I mean it’s could be great for your local hospital’s bank account when they open it and cut their fingers the fuck off, but other than that…there’s no reason to do it.

Tube Socks

 Tube Socks

This is such a shitty gift. You’re basically telling someone “Hey, I forgot about you and this was the last gift for sale at the dollar store. Enjoy loser!”. I mean, if this is really what you want that’s fine, but for those who look at this ball of uncomfortable cotton shit & force a smile, thanks but no thanks. I’ve actually noted displays of tube socks that say “Makes a great gift!” no they fucking don’t. Save your money and get them a gift they may actually want like a fucking Chia Pet.

The Overly-Processed Smoked Meats & Cheeses Gift Sampler Bullshit

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Has anyone EVER really enjoyed a parcel of this heartburn inducing pallet of fuckery? I’m certain that people like individual parts of these sets, but for all that is sacred, why? I seriously don’t think it would take that much time to put a little thought into asking people what cold cuts, cheeses, and spreads they like and put it in a fucking basket? I have a real issue with the fucking cheeses they package in this mind fuck of a gift. It is the same shit they put in the “MEAT ‘N CHEEZ” jerky packs at your local gas station, you know the ones I mean, greasy cardboard bullshit. While the hot and beer mustards are not bad, most of the sausages taste like they are made out of the animal’s asshole. Seriously take the time to care enough to make your own gift basket.

Fruit Cake/ Danish Butter Cookies

Fruit Cakescookies

I’m not talking about the fruit cake that someone took the time to make, and are sometimes soaked in alcohol. No, I’m talking about those bullshit store bought ones that you put in your cabinet and forget about until June, and it still hasn’t turned to a moldy mess. They taste like what I imagine licking the bottom of an outhouse during Oktoberfest. Truly uninspired is this gift, same with the equally rancid Danish butter cookies. I have no idea how these became holiday favorites, unless people really want to go out of their way to torture themselves. If you really want to buy something like this, get the Italian version, the Panettone. It’s less crazy fruit and more sweet cakey goodness.

I guess I’m more bitter that the holiday season has become less about spending time with the ones you love, and showing them you care, and more about giving thoughtless, useless gifts and wondering how to pawn them off on other unsuspecting suckers. This is also the time of year where you should reflect that you’re not doing too bad, and help those less fortunate. I’d much rather someone give a gift in my name rather give me one, and isn’t that what the holidays are really about?

 

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Choice Songs for your Christmas Party

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It’s that time of the year, depression, guilt, gluttony, seeing people you’d rather not see. I’m talking of course about your annual Christmas Party. With all the decorating, preparation of food, and searching for the alcohol with the highest proof, you haven’t really given much thought to what music you’re going to play. Fear not gentile reader because I have taken the time to pick out some choice holiday jams that will have everyone dancing under the mistletoe either from glee, or it may be the pee pee dance. Either way they should enjoy.

DMX-Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Who doesn’t love this standard?  Hardcore rap icon DMX sure does, because he belts out this song in true hip-hop fashion recently. This should be the cornerstone of your musical celebration because it’s fun and light-hearted, but at the same time, will give your party the street-cred it so desperately needs.

Tom Waits- Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis

While those who are unfamiliar with Waits voice may be put off on his voice,but don’t let that stop you from enjoying the message. The song tells a pretty great story about a woman who’s in prison writing a letter to a person she’s not over yet to borrow money. This song is punctuated with the song Silent Night to make you realize that even at our worst we always have hope. This is the type of song that, if you know it, you seem to remember the first place you heard it, and can relate to those who’ve heard it as well.

Bob Dylan-Here Comes Santa Claus

While we’re on the subject of singers with raspy voices that are not known for holiday songs, let’s dig into this one. Leave it to Bob Dylan to take a perennial favorite like this and just make it creepy as fuck. While Dylan is the voice of a generation, apparently he took Decembers off. This is the type of song that people are gonna look at you and wonder if you are actually crazy for playing this, and have a good laugh.

Madonna- Santa Baby

While Eartha Kitt made this famous, Madonna made amped it up with a bit more sexy. There is something about this song that makes you feel a bit naughty, which could be nice. It makes you do a little dance with that special someone and try to steal a little kiss. Play this one near the end of the night.

The DiCamillo Sisters feat. Jimmy Pop – But Why Is It So Cold?

Imagine If Richard Nixon decided to play Santa then rap about it? You’re starting to get the gist of this song. It’s a fun little song that is going to make everyone laugh…extremely hard. Trust me, it’s funny.

Run DMC-Christmas in Hollis

It’s Christmas time in Hollis Queens, mom’s cooking chicken & collard greens, and it made for a hip-hop Christmas classic. Anyone who grew up in the 80’s most likely loves this song, and will appreciate the fact that you play this back in the day jam. This one is gonna make everyone stand up and dance.

Aimee Mann- You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

This is an amazing cover of this song, because the song has Grant Lee quotes “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” lines throughout the song. This goes well with Aimee Mann’s voice. It’s the rare Chistmas song that is totally negative, but everyone loves. I think this version may be a new holiday tradition.

Bing Crosby & David Bowie- Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy

This may be the weirdest collaboration I think I have ever heard in my life. These are two of the polar opposite people singing two different songs at the same time. While it seems it could end up as a total crap-fest, it actually works in this case. It’s as charming as it is heartwarming, and I think your guests will love it.

Tiny Tim- Santa Claus has got the Aids This Year

This song is pretty much what you think it is. This may not be appropriate for…well anyone actually. This song shouldn’t make me laugh, but it does, and it might make your party guests laugh too.

Garfunkle & Oates- Scary F’ed Up Christmas

While I don’t do drugs, I know a ton of people who do, and for those people I dedicate this song. Even if you don’t partake you’ll most likely enjoy this tune too.

Well I hope I have made your task of creating the ultimate Christmas party a little easier. If you’ve got some other choice holiday jams to add to my list please feel free to add them in the comments below. Until next time, may your egg nog be spiked and your gifts are plentiful.

 

 

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